Monday, February 29, 2016

The Hippopotamus: Comically Rotund, Scourge of Africa, Walking Whale


The nightmare skull of our terrestrial cetatean overlords
Hippos. Everyone knows them, everyone loves them. “Those big, water-lovin’ pigs, right? I have their board game!” Little do they realize the true, lethal majesty of these colossal artiodactyls. Let’s start by repealing the notion that they are pigs. False. They actually share a more recent common ancestor with whales. This increases their Pure Swag Factor by 10x. They are also the third largest land animal, and the heftiest living artiodactyl at 3,300 pounds. In addition, both genders sport two-foot tusks and are highly aggressive, often killing full-grown crocodiles for looking at them wrong. Hippos also target humans, capsizing small boats and goring the humans within. Hippos can also echolocate and gallop at thirty kilometers per hour. Yowza.   
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4 comments:

  1. Tom HopperMarch 8, 2016 at 7:08 AM

    Now THIS was worth reading! Clever and informative...you have a true talent!

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  2. AnonymousMarch 24, 2016 at 10:33 AM

    Speaking of whales: the whale's earliest descendant lived in Pleistocene era Germany, living near hot springs that dotted the landscapes. They were about 6 feet long and were top predators. They supposedly looked a lot like a sea otter, except for its jaw, which was very gator like.

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  3. AnonymousMarch 25, 2016 at 9:54 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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  4. AnonymousMarch 25, 2016 at 9:58 AM

    I searched up on hippos and I found out alot at http://www.outtoafrica.nl/animals/enghippo.html I learned that hippos can wiegh up to 3 1/2 tons! This was definitely worth reading and it has made me think a lot about the next time someone offers me to play hungry hungry hippos! Also, hippos can live up to 50 years! That was more than the humans average life span in medieval times! I always knew hippos were mean, but I never expected them to be almost 14 feet long! Now that's a big game board!

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